Say it isn’t so - I’m in a fight with a cork! On one of my recent travels to Portland, Oregon, I picked up a bottle of Columbia Crest Merlot www.columbia-crest.com after I landed at the Portland Airport and was on my way to the hotel. I have had this wine many times over the years and Columbia Crest is always a safe bet for a decent every day wine - especially when traveling to strange lands (Portland is not really all that strange but there are some interesting characters in the heart of downtown) It is actually a beautiful city and a great place to walk around.
Settling in for the night in a strange hotel in a strange land I was ready to pop the cork. Reaching into my suitcase I realized OH NO! I FORGOT MY CORK SCREW!!! I was starring at the bottle and it’s amazing contents with no way to access it. How was I to free the imprisoned nectar and let it escape into my glass? (actually it was a plastic hotel room cup that had just been freed from its cellophane wrapper - nothing but the best for me!) It was getting late in the evening and I was not ready for a late night hike through the city trying to find a cork screw at a store.
Being the ever resourceful one (Trixie says it actually borders on insanity) I reach into my bag and found a screw driver. Yes, the old “push the cork into the bottle” trick! Cork screw - screw driver - Coincidence? This seemed very logical. I placed the bottle on the floor and begin to push down with the screw driver. YES - success, I push right on through - this was easier than I thought. Then I realized the screw driver pushed right through the cork but the cork did not move. Failure is not an option - I must be victorious in this battle! Suddenly I felt like I was in an old cartoon that I remember where the cartoon character was trapped with only a can of food but no can opener. This can’t be happening.
In a stroke of genius (or insanity - I get the two confused), I see the famous hotel stationary with a pen sitting on the desk. The pen has a fatter tip that might not make a hole in the cork and actually push it through - could this scheme really work this time? Again I push down on the cork this time with my trusty pen and….. SUCCESS! the cork goes into the bottle. However, I forgot the laws of physics, volume displacement etc. When the cork went into the bottle there was no longer room for all of the wine and the cork. The cork had it’s revenge shooting some of the wine straight up out of the bottle onto my shirt. With the help of gravity the rest of the airborne wine quickly returned towards the floor and of course, did not go back into the bottle. A few hotels towels were turned purple that evening - oops!
Getting ready to celebrate the fruits of my well fought cork battle, I began to pour the wine. The cork decided it was not going down without a fight. It kept floating towards the opening of the bottle determined not to let me win the “Cork Wars” Finally with my trusty pen, I held the cork down, aimed for my plastic cup and finally, victory was mine! I really was smarter than the cork! The Columbia Crest Merlot was worth the effort!
- Sir Angus, Cork Warrior Extraordinaire
